Occasionally there would come a time when people reflect on their lives and wonder what they’re supposed to do in a world of endless possibilities. Saying “endless possibilities” seems like such a positive thing, but at the same time it also poses a problem: Too many choices makes one confused and unsure of which one in particular they should take. What’s “right” for me? Which path should I take? What am I meant to do? That question is all-too common, and I’m sure almost everyone has had the same thoughts as I am having right now.
And this post isn’t really to give out advice; there’s none of that kind, actually. It’s just me writing down my thoughts and feelings at this point in my life. A quarter-life crisis, if you may.
When I was in college, the possibilities seemed endless. Right now though, the reality of life is slowly setting in, and I’m realizing that it’s not easy to even know what I really want in life. I know a few things, though. One, is that I’m not meant for a place in the HR business. I used to work for an HR Outsourcing company and I cried often because of the pressure and because it’s not really helping me develop the things I really want to develop. Two, is that I don’t really know what I want to develop. Everything I’ve been doing so far is work, every day I go through the same motions and I keep thinking again and again that my life is too monotonous.
I want to find something to do that makes me want to get up every morning without sighing heavily and feeling a sense of tiredness even when the day has barely started. I want to break out of the monotony of life, to look forward to something. I guess, if I were to be cliché, I could simply state that “I want to feel alive”. Right now in my life the things I do is something I need to do, out of obligation, because I need money, because I’ll get fired if I don’t. But I’m not searching for that. I’m searching for something I want to do. And not knowing what I really want to do is a truly scary feeling.
I want to be bigger than I am right now, so that when people hear my name it wouldn’t just be another name of another person that would soon be forgotten, another piece of fleeting information processed in the brain and then soon discarded. I don’t know how to do it, but I don’t want to just sit here wondering and repeatedly asking myself a question I can’t find an answer to.
In a few months, I’ll be moving to Singapore. It could either be the best or worst decision I’m going to make, but I think I’m leaning towards the former. In Singapore I would be free from everything I’m used to having. Over here, I’ve already constructed this image of myself and my life, because of my decisions and also because of the things around me that influenced me. When I go to a new country, I’ll lose all of that. I’m starting from scratch. And I don’t mean just the job, but my own identity. I can reconstruct it if I want to; no one knows me there so no one’s going to tell me “hey, this isn’t the person you are”. I’ll be another stranger in another country until I form new relationships and explore new possibilities and not become a stranger any longer. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get there, or what to expect. I find that setting expectations makes the breaking down easier when those expectations aren’t fulfilled.
Actually, that’s the one thing that drives me right now: The possibility that soon I will be free of everything. I’ve depended on people and relied too much on who I’m supposed to be based on the environment I’m so used to being surrounded with. Soon I won’t have that, and now that I think about it, it doesn’t scare me at all. I’m excited to start anew, because hey, as I read from someone before “life is a mess”. If that’s the case, then why bother living in a box anyway? I’ll just go out there and grab every opportunity I want to grab, without anyone telling me whether I’m wrong or right. A new country is the perfect place to do so, I suppose. So I just need to stop worrying and just jump in. So what if there are too many choices in the world? I’ll just go with the flow. And maybe one day I can return to this entry and be relieved that this phase I’m undergoing is over, and hopefully, that me in the future will be someone the me in the present would truly have wanted to be.